– I was dumped last weekend, mum.
– Oh, dear, again? You have had quite a few of those, haven’t you? Oh, well, to be fair you have done a fair share of dumping yourself, haven’t you, so well, sometime a dumper, sometime a dumpee, but this one would have never worked out, what was even her name?
– Chloe.
– Hmm, yeah, I liked a couple of them, I was quite cross with you when you dumped that cute one, the first one, you know, the one who looked a bit…
– Julia
– …like me, yeah, Julia. She was really lively, and pretty, of course, cute girl, you know you were both very young and all that but I thought it was so sweet that you got all dressed up in your tuxedo all over again the next day just so you could take a proper photo with her, after that ball you two went to. And the girls liked her too, she talked to them about Jacqueline Wilson, remember? Yeah, she was my favourite, perhaps you could look her up again, or perhaps I could write her a letter, hi Julia, remember Matt, my son, he has just been dumped, again, would you mind giving him a second chance, I know he dumped you and all that, he thought you were a bit mentally, you know, but I am sure this can be managed with medication, so please get in touch, he is still good looking, he ran the London marathon since you two last went out so still fit.
– I am not sure about that, mum
– Oh, don’t be silly, it’s worth a try. Another one I really like was Zoe, the last one at uni…
– Sarah…
– That’s the one. She was very friendly, and I think she kept you on straight and narrow, and she looked after you well, you could have tried a bit harder to keep her interested you muppet. Yes, she was a good one. I didn’t really like Lucy that much though.
– Leah
– That’s right. She was a bit bland, I can’t even remember her that well to be honest, just her brown boots when she came to stay, nice boots. Brown Boots Lucy, ha ha ha.
– Leah.
– And then there was this bubbly one who was never your girlfriend, but I really fancied her as a daughter in law, you see I am dreading not getting along with your wife, but she was great, a lot of fun, I loved how she sent you to bed and carried on drinking with your dad and me until all hours, oh boy were you grumpy about that, love. I am glad it didn’t work out between you and Elsa
– Louise
– Yeah, she was going to mess you around, so I am glad she did it straight away, sooner rather than later, all that big blond hair, that spelt trouble I could see it a mile away. Anyway, it’s getting late, I am glad we had this chat, aren’t you?
– Yes, mum.
Ania Heasley 