Mornings go one of two ways for me. One, I stay in bed much longer than I can reasonably justify to myself, and then spend the next few hours trying to make up for it by throwing myself frantically at work, or two, I get up virtuously early and am at my desk before seven, which makes me feel incredibly smug and I allow myself the luxury of writing down my morning thoughts.
Today I got up really early.
What I would like to know is whether we all have those dark unrevealable thoughts we keep wrapped up in the deepest folds of our minds because if these thoughts escaped and were no longer locked away, their owners would likely get locked up for a very long time. I do wonder, is it really true that everybody has a darker side, or is it just me and if so I better keep quiet about it.
Well, I know it is not just me, serial killers, gang rapists and animal decapitators, are a safe bet, but that is hardly a reassurance, I would like to know whether I am in so called good company here, friends and family, not just the Yorkshire Ripper and Croydon Cat Killer. I am not likely to find out though, am I, because as things and society values stand, we are all careful to put a veneer of decency, respectability and so called normality first thing each morning, so we are all properly put together by the time we face ourselves in the bathroom mirror. Or perhaps it is just me and most people only need to tidy up their messy hair, not minds, as they get out of bed?
Law enforcement, religion and mental institutions contribute greatly to the obfuscation of the issue as we become reluctant to act on our darkest impulses for fear of unpleasant consequences, and so our so-called human nature in its true nakedness remains elusive.
Every now and again, and not before we had known a person for a very long time, they let us have a glimpse of their inner darkness, and even then it is masqueraded as I-don’t-really-mean-it fooling around sort of thing. Even so, those glimpses make uncomfortable viewing. I walk away from such moments thinking, would they really re-introduce public hangings in Trafalgar Square given half a chance as they said they would? Would they really subject all BMW drivers and rush hour cyclists to such an ordeal? And would they really shoot their next door neighbour’s forever yapping dog if there were no rules against it? If this is what they are willing to share with me, what else is lurking down there? And what would be my own equivalent to public hangings and dog shooting thoughts? Am I prepared to reveal them even to myself, or is it best to keep busy and convince myself that this is all there is to me, what you see is what you get, let the rest remain safely locked away? Just one last thing, have you ever been tempted to replace the water in your goldfish bowl with Bacardi? No? It might be just me after all.
Ania Heasley 